Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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