I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Boobs speak an international language.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
