According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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