sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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