PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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