There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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