the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
