Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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