I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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