Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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