I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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