I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I would fuck him just for his dog
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
