Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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