were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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