I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
