It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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