i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
do herpes really smell.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
