I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
