Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Randomize
