I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
