i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
