Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
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She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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