Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I need moral support for this bender
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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