Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
