Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
