I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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