Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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