I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
