The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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