Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
