did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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