She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
