A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
