he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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