There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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