i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
