I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
