I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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