Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
