Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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