I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
