I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
