Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
