there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
