my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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