TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
