I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
