I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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