he puts the penis in happiness.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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