Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
