I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
