She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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