: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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