dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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