I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
