I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
