your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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